Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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