Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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