My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
