Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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