It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
