things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
