Too much gin, very little bucket
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
