I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
