I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize