I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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