Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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