I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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