What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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