at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
