I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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