i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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