I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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