I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
