My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
