I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
