she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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