Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
