The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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