She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
