oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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