I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
