a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
