i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
