Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was confusing and full of hummus
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
