Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
