we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
