i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
