I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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