i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
