Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
