Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My penis needs a shock collar
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
