I wish my penis had an off switch
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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