Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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