dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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