We're facebook friends in real life
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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