Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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