allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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