You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
