I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
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