Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
