These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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