I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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