saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
