Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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