Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
