I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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