i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
