you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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